Sulk, cry and hide away, you have 3 – 5 days

MendMaker Exercise: Session written and explained by your coach Claire Anstey

Observe, Help & Be Valued

Sulk, cry and hide away, you have 3 – 5 days, and then you have to take action, in fact your going to create some interaction.

I totally believe in owning the sadness of your break up. If the relationship was important to you and someone you love deeply has just dropped you like a tone of bricks you should be feeling immense pain. To know happiness is to know pain, it’s a double-edged sword.

I was told once that the body physically reacts to grief for about 2 weeks. It is this automated response that is the reason we loose drastic amounts of weight in hours, it is what allows us to function for days with out food and sleep. But after those 14 days the shock of this emotional change would have released itself from your body and all the grief, sh*t and sadness and physically pain you still feel is totally inflicted by yourself and the power of your own emotional thoughts. Our mind controls our body and if you choose to let your emotions run riot with self-pity you could be feeling sad, desperate and alone for years to come.

I am brilliant at hibernating I have this amazing voice inside of me that constantly likes to tell me to hide away and save my broken heart. But how will that get me what I want - love and romance. And how will that get me meeting a new man or allow my ex to see that I am so bloody amazing that dumping me was the biggest mistake of his life. You see hiding away is a no win situation, except of course for daytime TV ratings. You my friend are helping out sh*t mind numbing chat shows no end. If you continue to stay at home and watch TV all day you will be the reason behind Jeremy Kyle’s existence and no one wants that.

The first 3-5 days.

So where do the 3-5 days come in – Well that’s your time to be indulgent. To feel that anger and punch, scream and shout it out (see the anger section for a selection of MendMaker exercises that will help you get these emotions out your system).

It is also your time to cry, to watch romantic movies that make you cry even more, to eat absolute sh*t and drink wine until you fall asleep. Women and Men around the world you may now take your Bridget Jones moment. Sing loudly to love songs whilst dancing with yourself in you’re under wear, cry and cry but please no buying cats, you don’t need to call yourself a spinster. Not just yet as we are going to get you back out there on day 5.

After 3 days.

You need to stop the food and booze indulging. You have had your moment; you have shown the world and yourself how much you loved your ex and how much they hurt you. You now need to know that you are worth so much more.

At day 5.

It is time to decide to take action and recreate your life and your emotional state. It is time to venture back out into the world you used to know.

I know that I said that I was told it takes 14 days for your body to physically deal with the grief of loss but after my many experiences I feel like 5 days is enough. Do you know how fat you would get it you ate crap and liters of gin for a full 14 days? I am thinking of your waistline people and the future dates that WILL come whether it be with your ex (I hope you realize that I do not want you to go back to someone whom treated you like sh*t but for those of you that aren’t ready to move on just yet I feel like I should be keeping your options and mind open) or a hot new person you meet at the bus stop. 5 days it is and then even if it is one small step at a time we need to get you back in the land of the living. Your relationship and marital bliss may be dead but you my friend are alive and everything is possible, just not from your sofa.

It seems like a lot to take in at first, it is frightening and scary and the idea of talking to anyone but your mum, best friend and local newsagent may make you feel sick inside but rotting away in your cave will allow you to do just that and even in the sad sorry state you feel in now you know deep down that you are worth much more.

Now to expect you to be ringing up all your mates and arranging nights out on the pull in time for day 6 would be utterly ridiculous. As I write this exercise it is 5 months since my break up and I am now only just starting to notice men I feel attractive too let alone start talking to them. Now don’t get me wrong I feel great in all the other areas of my existence but getting back into dating is something that I will do when I feel ready not when someone else thinks it is a good idea and folks that includes me giving you advice in this book. You always need to do what is right for you just remember we are all very good at bullsh*tting ourselves and allowing fear to give us the wrong answers so always listen very closely to your inner knowing.

Mend Maker: Observe, help and be valued. A great reason to get out the house

To get yourself back out there this MendMaker is all about observing the world around you and helping all that you can. You see when you give out good vibes to others you get good vibes back and it’s a great way to get a little smile on your face and remove that dark cloud of “I am useless no one wants me” that is causing you to stay inside and out of the way.

Even when awake we walk around with our eyes closed, we don’t notice the people or places in our surroundings and more often than not we are lost in our own thoughts, most of which are negative. Your task is to go for a walk, to get outside and observe everything you see. Look at the detail and notice all the good and beautiful people. Be thankful that you have the eyes to see all these millions of things at once.

Now going for a walk may not seem like the worst thing in the world. You may have to go back to work after your 3 days off sick anyway but this exercise is more than just going for a walk and looking at trees and buildings, I want you to interact with people. When someone moves out of your way or opens a door to you make a point of saying thank you. Say “Hello” to the bus driver, car park attendant, in fact everyone whom you have made eye contact with. Do not try and get out of this by looking at the floor, keep your head held high and get yourself back out there. If you see an old lady struggling with her shopping or a short person reaching for the porn in the newsagent offer your assistance. It will make you feel amazing and they will be reminded that kind honest people still do exist.

Your task is to have spoken too, assisted or thanked 30 people in your walk. Now you may need to do 3 walks to hit your target, you may need to travel into town. The fresh air will do you the world of good and you will feel so much more valued. Do it and don’t stop until you reach that 30.