Partner Replacement Get Others To Do What They Used To

MendMaker Exercise: Session written and explained by your coach Claire Anstey

Lets Get Practical

Warning: This session is written and explained by your coach Claire Anstey. Please note that this exercise is written from the point of Claire when she lost her partner through suicide. The text may be triggering for some. Please change the text to suit your current breakup situation and sexuality.

Losing someone you love is shit. It feels shit because you love them, they didn’t love you enough, you miss them and let’s be honest they did stuff for you and not having them there is extremely inconvenient.

How the hell are you meant to change a light bulb? Who will do your tie in the morning? And who will now take the bins out on a Wednesday night? Whether you have been with someone 20 days or 20 years it is hard to adjust once they are gone.

They did things for you and it made you feel good. It gave you comfort, attention and sometimes you just didn’t know how to do something and they did. When it comes to the things that we do for each other in relationships we get into patterns and both parties take on certain duties or roles. When you’re feeling down and something breaks or you burn your dinner you are then reminded that you are only 50%  of what you once was and you feel that all that is left behind is the useless 50% and that you just can’t cope without them.

This is of course totally untrue but at that moment you reside yourself that you will be eating burnt dinners on your own and in the dark forever.

I held on to my childhood sweet heart for years after we broke up. We loved each other deeply but for 1000 reasons it just wasn’t right for us to get back together but I couldn’t let him go. It was too hard for us to be friends and hang out together. Every 6 months we would try again but it would go wrong as we loved each other but we wasn’t ‘IN’ love with each other anymore, but when I needed anything he was the first person I called. I called him when my car broke down, when my Nan was ill, I called him from the toilet of my friends house when I had got drunk and woke up with a man my bed. He was always there for me and I needed him. When he took his own life it turned me upside down, it changed my life forever as not only was he gone, for the first time since I was 17 I was alone.

Mend Maker: Role Replacement Recruiting Exercise

The following exercise I did to help me get over this sense of loss and I feel that whether you lose someone in a break up or through death the sense of grief and loss is very much the same. This exercise helped me realize that I wasn’t alone, I realized how new people had started to enter my life that were taking over the roles that were once Aarons. Three months before Aaron died I met my friend Andy D and he became the man in my life that I would share my heartache with, just like I had done with Aaron. I had also found Tyson my NLP teacher that became the wisdom that Aaron used to give me, my university friend Lee came and did all my DIY and my brother took many of Aarons roles, to many for me to list and I will never forget his kindness.

For the context of this session we are using this exercise to look at what your partner did for you and what you just can’t do by yourself since they have gone. You will then look at whom has taken over this role already and/or whom you can ask to help you. Yes I agree having your brother change your spare tire and get hot sweaty and covered in oil is not quite the same as watching your sexy man do it but it gets the job done fast and takes the edge of you feeling lonely and destitute.

Copy the heading from the below list and start by writing out everything that your partner did for you that you miss and that you can’t do without them then answer column two or three depending on what fits best. You will be surprised how many people in your life have taken on these roles within your life.

OK so yes I understand that this exercise won’t bring your partner back and that’s what you want right now but do look at your list and try to feel loved  in some way. All these people are around you because they love you and care about you. They will make sure that you don’t have many more dinners for one in the dark. It is important that you remember that they are there for you and do not be shy in asking for their help and company, after all I am sure you wasn’t shy at nagging your partner to take out the bins was you.